I’m a serial self-second-guesser.
My curse (blessing?) of a photographic memory leaves me with the exact words of nearly every important conversation I have. They stick in my memory bank, branded into the scene of the surreal past events that become not just a fleeting moment, but a permanent weight-bearing brick in the infrastructure of my whole self.
I can tell you the color of James’ insignificant shoes when we first met. Our first exchanged words, syllable by syllable, flash through my mind when I remember the way he smelled and the teenaged-angst acne on his 19-year-old cheeks. Those scars are now soft and warm against my own skin, his unforgettable smile and eyes always still sincere and unchanging. I have always been attracted to men with the rugged mark of acne. Probably because the baby-perfect skin of another while I struggled with my own horrid cystic acne for so many years was a massive blow to my ever-struggling ego. Give me a partner with a few battle wounds and calluses any day. Imperfection is what makes us beautiful.
There are only a few points of my life that I have not remembered. The moments when, looking back, I scratch my head and try to fill in the missing pieces and mixed-up chatter. The unsolvable puzzles. Wondering what was going through my cluttered mind and translating small fragments hanging from cobwebs. There have been only a handful, and every one of them was a result of medication gone horribly wrong or the terror of PPD, now a distant memory, that gripped my life for a short time.
Without those few moments, though, I doubt I would have the respect for the clarity I feel today, off medication and doctor-stamped approval of sanity, and even level-headedness. Or the realization that while there could always have been better answers that I could have given during yesterday’s on-site interviews, I did the best I truly could have in the moment and can walk away remembering that perhaps I had enough clever answers to hopefully make up for the mediocre ones.
Or that maybe, maybe, they were impressed enough to continue to consider me a candidate for the position.
That’s the best case scenario.
And now, the waiting. And the prayers for acceptance and gratitude, whatever the outcome.
Current Mood:
Happy
